Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Lost, Empty and Broken


Those three words bonded my life from the age of 19-22. You think a person has it all together based on social media? You’re wrong. At age 19, I was an upcoming sophomore at Claflin University in Orangeburg, SC. I didn't care about class; I cared about dressing cute, wearing heels and walking around campus proud to be dating a senior. The fast life came so quick for me at 19 years old: getting drunk, partying, having sex, skipping class to have sex, and still walking around campus like I had it going on. At age 20 I grew a year older, yes, but decreased mentally in reality. By this age I think I’m officially grown; I now have my car on campus, my own apartment, and I am now dating a huge drug dealer in the area. Expensive bags, I had it… latest shoes, I wore them... GPA at 20 years old? 2.33…

Fast life was all I cared about, being accepted was all I knew, riding around the city on the passenger side of his expensive car was the only thing that felt good to me. 20 years old, I was in South Beach for Spring Break with a fake ID entering all the clubs; this was life, RIGHT? My 21st birthday I threw a party in a hotel room and bought a table at a club in Myrtle Beach with all my closest friends. Sad to say I can’t remember the night from being so intoxicated for two days. 21 year old GIRL who is now a junior in college, still dating the drug dealer and talking to other guys at this point & still not caring about anything else, but this… I remember getting a text to my phone from the drug dealer because I was now more interested in another guy and not responding to any of his text messages. 8:59 p.m. “B****, you think you can ignore my calls and play with a n*gga emotions, don’t be shocked when you end up in a ditch.” Whoa… was all I could say, feel, and think at that moment. I remember going to show my roommate this text message, terrified for both our lives because he knew where we lived. Did I call on God? God? Who is that?

The guy I liked stopped dealing with me, I had a low GPA, I had no money, and my dad had just cancelled my school loan to finish my last year and said he wanted nothing to do with me out the blue. How does a young girl at 21 years old deal with all of this? What else did I think cured all problems… alcohol & sex. This emptiness and brokenness took over my soul, mind, body and spirit. I am now relying on a “cut buddy” to fill the void of this emptiness, hurt, depression and pain. I am now experiencing the true meaning of “soul ties.” I thought I knew love from sex, I thought they loved me by giving me sex, but instead I felt every single emotion each sex partner had every single day. It’s almost senior year… am I going to graduate? Can I pull this GPA up? Can I make a change in my life? Can someone save me from this life of sin and close to death that I am in?



Yes. The summer before senior year of college my best friend who was down with me all throughout college suddenly gave her life to Christ and I couldn't understand why. She persistently invited me to her church every Sunday (in which I declined for two months) in Columbia, SC. After three months of me ignoring her, and knowing classes are about to begin soon, I finally gave in and went to church with her on a Wednesday evening. This place was different; it wasn’t what I had expected. We were in a house having bible study with people who didn't have the same skin complexion as I. I’m like, “Are you sure we are in the right place?” She laughed and told me that I’m in for an experience. That night we stayed at bible study for about 7 hours. 7 hours of testimonies, tears and confusion. I remember when it was my time to speak about why am I here, all I could do was break down. The owners of the house told me there will be no judgment here and suddenly a feeling came over me that he was telling the truth. At this moment I didn’t care if my testimony was the worst in the room, at this moment, all I could think about was that I’m ready to steer away from feeling empty, lost and broken…

I went to the next set of bible studies, and the next, and then joined a church back in the town where my college was located. Senior year had started and I had a fresh start in my life that I was extremely happy about. I got a notification that the drug dealer was now incarcerated, I was now focused in class and my GPA had increased to a 3.12. I was then elected as President of the Mass Communications department, and I received my letter that I had enough credits to graduate in December instead of May. I was ecstatic. Just to think the semester prior I was threatened to be killed, and on this day, I was reading my graduation letter for early graduation. Sometimes we get so lost in life we feel like there is no way out, but God has a plan for each of us. I was lost, empty and broken until my friend stayed persistent in re-introducing me to Christ at 22… but guess what? Subsequent to college, I moved to Washington, D.C. and found myself getting lost once again… (To be continued…)


God wants to make you whole. He doesn’t want you to spend the rest of your life hurting.”

20 comments:

  1. Love love love this! Thanks for being open and honest about your past and how God has changed you! You are an awesome writer!! I pray that God uses you're testamonies to encourage women as they seek Christ!

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    1. Thank you so much for your continuous love and support of whatever I do sissy. It's because of you that my life has excelled in my Christian walk and I am forever thankful to have you as a friend.

      XO,

      Brittney

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  3. And here I am right now with the stuck face because of the to be continued... Thank you for being so open and transparent! Looking forward to the rest!

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  4. I love your transparency! We overcome by the word of our testimonies! You're an overcomer and I'm so blessed to have found this blog! To God be the glory!

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  5. I can 100% relate to everything you have said and I am honestly still experiencing some of the same struggles today. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for your support! The bible tells us in Jeremiah 30:17, "For I will restore you to health, and I will heal you of your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'Because they have called you an outcast, saying: "It is Zion; no one cares for her." No matter how hard the struggle may be right now for you, trust that God will heal and restore your body, your finances, whatever struggle you maybe going through, talk to Him and ask him for healing and restoration. If he can turn my life completely around and I was a walking death target, then He will do the same for all of his children.

      XO,

      Brittney

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  6. This was such an inspiration to read as I have dealt with and continue dealing with similar issues. Thank you for being so transparent!

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    1. Thank you so much for your support! The bible tells us in Jeremiah 30:17, "For I will restore you to health, and I will heal you of your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'Because they have called you an outcast, saying: "It is Zion; no one cares for her." No matter how hard the struggle may be right now for you, trust that God will heal and restore your body, your finances, whatever struggle you maybe going through, talk to Him and ask him for healing and restoration. If he can turn my life completely around and I was a walking death target, then He will do the same for all of his children.

      XO,

      Brittney

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  7. Brittney, I had no idea you were hiding so much behind your smile. Every time I saw you, you would speak and always be the same. I guess you never know what a person may be going through and you can hide a lot behind a smile. Thank you for sharing your life experiences. I know you are going to be a great inspiration to a lot of people (including me). I am going to refer my young girl teenage cousins to read this. I think this will help them if they ever encounter any problems or know someone who may be going through. I can't wait to keep reading. You got me with "to be continued." Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much Tiffany! Yes, you never know what a person may be going through behind their smile and I held so much in for so long. I appreciate your love and support!

      XO,

      Brittney

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  9. wow wow wow! you are beautiful on the outside and even more now on the inside! you have been through stuff but look at where you are right now, thank God i stumbled on you on IG, there is serious hope, and i love the scripture from jeremiah 30:17 have to go meditate on it. If you can write on the process you went through to get whole in Christ Jesus that will be awesome for us who has just gotten out of similar situation, , thanks for sharing, OK off to read other posts.

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  10. After reading this I can truly relate . This is how I feel now in my life at 22 but feel more confused at what I'm trying to do with my life or what I want to be and it's so frustrating when I see those around me,siblings knowing what they want to do to pursue in life . Yet my GPA never been at best because I felt less motivated and completely shut out of life that my entire life I felt lonely , insecure, ashamed you name it but again at 22 stuck and I feel so further away from God that prayer has been less entertaining and the world being more entertained. Loyal to a guy of 2 years where he has brought me through so much tears, lies, manipulation, humiliated by others, the cheat just so much more but really holy when it comes to the good word. Although it weighs heavy on me but as still manage to love him, because I forgave. I still be good to him by loving the first guy I slept with and fell in love with although my family don't like him. Its so much that its overwhelming at times. I hate myself at times and asking God to take me away from this world always felt safe to say. My life feel so messed up there's no peace at all in my life. Crying always feel like the way because it never gets better

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    1. The bible tells us in Jeremiah 30:17, "For I will restore you to health, and I will heal you of your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'Because they have called you an outcast, saying: "It is Zion; no one cares for her." No matter how hard the struggle may be right now for you, trust that God will heal and restore your body, your finances, whatever struggle you maybe going through, talk to Him and ask him for healing and restoration. If he can turn my life completely around and I was a walking death target, then He will do the same for all of his children.

      XO,
      Brittney

      Delete