Tuesday, April 28, 2015

How Do You Know if You've Met the Right Person for You?

 "How will I know when I meet the right person?"


There are two types of reasons that people seek relationships/courtships:
1. To get love, validation, security and safety, or;
2. To grow spiritually and emotionally and to build a firm foundation on love.

With 1 year and 8 months we've been courting, we RECENTLY received confirmation that we both were made for each other. Yea, we said we were made for each other prematurely in our relationship, but that was solely off of our mentors telling us, our spiritual counselors told us, social media told us, but did WE really know if we were made for each other? No. Not until we recently passed our pre-engagement class. Yea, the social media "lovey dovey" posts are CUTE and flattering, but when the the likes and followers go away and it's time to start thinking about the future, and real-life challenges that you will face; your perception of what defines a real courtship gets real...

If you always feel insecure and alone, then you will most likely look for someone who will fill that inner emptiness and provide you with the love that you are seeking. You will constantly keep looking for someone who will complete you and make you feel adequate and worthy. We recently completed a very thorough 13-week class that showed us if we were meant to be with one another, allowed us to see if we had our own individual walks with Christ, and prepared us for the next journey in our lives, MARRIAGE.


You ever ask yourself, "what's the worst thing Jane/John did to me, and can I live with this for the rest of my life?" Something to think about, right? Because we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness, or our common level of health, a person who is desperate to get love will only attract a person also desperate to get love. Each individual has high hopes and dreams to get filled from the other, but not realizing the effort it takes to fill each other up spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Therefore, so many courtships fail, because no one takes the time and right steps to determine if they are dealing with the right person, and then you both are left hurt and confused with no intent to continue to grow and build together.
Instead of asking, "Is this person right for me?" why not ask yourself FIRST, "Am I taking the right steps to be RIGHT for this person? Do I have my own personal walk with Christ? Am I a selfish or selfless person? Am I kind, patient, not prideful or boastful? Am I living a true 1 Corinthians 13:4-7? Am I being a person who comes to a courtship filled with love to share, or am I being a person hoping to get love and validation?" 
One of the main reasons that many courtships don't work out is because each person is disappointed in not getting what they expected to get from the other person. In today's world, many are meeting off of social media networking sites, which can be a good thing, or a bad thing. You expect them to be the person on their social media page, but a few weeks/months of being with them/getting to know them, that's when you really start to see that they are an entirely different person. If you don't know how to love, validate, and establish who you are FIRST, then how can you expect to have a healthy courtship when these missing pieces of the puzzle are still causing you inner problems? 
People who are truly open to learning about themselves, and learning how to grow spiritually and emotionally and taking responsibility for their own actions have a higher success rate of transitioning from a courtship to a healthy marriage. It took a lot of humility and self-discipline that this class taught us, in order for us to see the bigger picture of what we are trying to accomplish. It's fairly easy to know if this is the right person for you when your intent for being in a courtship is to grow together, learn together, build together and share the love like the love Christ shares to us. Individuals who come from a full place within find it easy to discern if the person they are with is empty inside or just desperate to be with someone because they see everyone else around them with someone. Many times, people get in relationships solely just because everyone around them is in a relationship and they don't want to be left out, either they believe their "biological time-clock" is running out., or either they are desperate for love and they don't know how to properly love themselves, and these ways will result in a failed courtship. 
Knowing if the person you are with is right for you won't happen over night or instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a person is who they say they are. You won't really know who a person is until you've had a conflict with them, and you find out how they handle conflicts. Are they standoffish? Are they violent? Do they go days without acknowledging you? Do they admit to their faults, and try to move forward? Do they talk to outsiders about your problems instead of addressing them to you? Do they run to their parents/or siblings? Do they run to alcohol/or drugs to minimize the pain or hurt? All of these things play a major part in determining if this person is right for you. It's critical to really take your time when courting someone, because people can appear very open and loving until a conflict arise, and when they get angry, you have to ask yourself, "Is this type of behavior something I can live with for the rest of my life?"
Given that no individual enters a relationship perfect, it's very important to know that the person you are courting is willing to explore how to deal with conflicts when they arise rather than trying to protect it with controlling behavior. "I had to learn how to deal with my anger, and how I treat people because I had a serious anger issue from the result of my father not being in my life. The more I was around Mark, the more I wanted to inherit his characteristics; he's kind to EVERYONE, and he has a heart just like Christ. I knew I wanted to have that same character, so he motivated me to stay in my Word daily, and find a scripture to meditate on daily, to help me with my anger issues. James 1:19 is my scripture that I recite daily to help me in my walk." (Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.)
Conflict will occur in all relationships, and if both persons are not open to learning about themselves, and each other when conflict arises, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy your relationship. 
If you are a person who is open to learning and want to establish a relationship that builds from love, here are a few tips we've learned from our class that will help to determine if the person you are with is right for you...
1. You both should be capable of caring, being honest, showing empathy, agape love and compassion, and be open to learning and growing together, and be mature enough to handle conflicts God's way and not YOUR WAY...
2. Learn how to see things through God's eyes and His perception. Not every situation deserves an argument, be open to learn how to handle conflict than just wanting to win and be right.
3. Learn each other's conflict style (Accommodating, Avoiding, Competing, Collaborating or Compromising will discuss more details in another blog post... ) and be willing to fight through any attacks the enemy throws your way TOGETHER. 
During the duration of this class, we experienced and learned a deeper knowledge for God between ourselves, and as individuals. We learned how to see God's point of view when situations approached us, and we acted on it according to His will. We know that God's grace is sufficient, and His power works well in our weakness. We were taught together how to hear from God, how to discern from God, how do we know we're called for each other, how to communicate in love, how to be patient with one another, and most importantly, we understand the characteristics of how God speaks to us.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God Bless,
Mark & Brittney

7 comments:

  1. Transparent. Amazing. Wonderful Post. If I may ask, where did the both of you take the thorough classes at ?

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    1. Hi!

      Thank you so much for your support! We took classes at First Baptist Church of Glenarden located in Upper Marlboro, MD. Classes are offered on their website at www.fbcglenarden.org/. Very, very beneficial and helpful!

      XO,
      Brittney

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  2. Beautiful and congratulations, thank you for sharing. God bless you both. xo

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  3. Amazing read. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Beautiful and such a blessed experience!!! I pray that God continues to bless you both and your beautiful accomplishments... Such an inspiring,,, powerful couple...💜
    I needed this!

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